Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I love you Mr. T

My beautiful kitten, exactly one year old, died this weekend. I am trying not to look back with regret for not having brought him to the vet sooner. It happened so fast...

It's strange - I miss him dearly, but for some reason feel so surrounded by his presence and his LOVE. I've cried a lot over these last two days. Oddly enough, this is the first death I've really been close to. I've had pets many years ago, but I was a different person then, and their deaths hurt. However, I don't know if I was as close to those animals as this one - Mr. T. He was one of three brothers who was born in my backyard by a stray cat. The mother left them for us, and they were soon coined as "The Klump" or "The Brothers" (nevermind that two of them were female). They have spent the last year together completely inseparable, cleaning each other daily, sleeping, eating, and loving me and my family.

I love him very much. I see how much I've grown as a person and I see so much of me in each of those kittens, especially Mr. T. He was a very shy and timid kitten, but very kind, quiet, and peaceful. As our discussions on this blog have been clear, the things we receive in life are a reflection of us. This couldn't be more true of these kittens. As my mother pointed out, as I considered how unconditionally and deeply Mr.T loved me, he was just reflecting my own love for him back upon myself. I used to be someone that carried around a lot of regrets about things I could have done better. Not so much this time, hence my growth.

I never let a single day go by without spending a lot of time with my kittens and every single night, even if it was 2 in the morning, sitting down with them outside and telling them how much I loved them. Me and Mr.T used to sit down side by side, with my hand on his back, watching up at the stars. I told him every night just how much I loved him. I felt like he really understood me. He just stood quietly and listened to me always. So docile, so loving.

Despite him no longer physically here, all I feel is love all around me. I keep thinking of the line from Ghost where Patrick Swayze says (while he's going to heaven), "it's amazing, the love, you take it with you...". While the backyard seems very empty and quiet, and I know his two sisters are missing him dearly, grieving in their own way, I feel his ray of sunshine upon my soul.

I realized through Mr.T how silly it is, chasing love. How silly have I been over the years, chasing people that didn't love me back. It is incumbent upon us to be like gravity and gravitate towards those that love us and we love. Never try to convince someone to love you - that is not love.

As humans, we love to talk about love all of the time, however we understand it the least of perhaps all living creatures. Mr.T knew what true love was. He gave it to me and his siblings every day. He didn't do it to get anything in return. He did it simply because he had it to give. Love is being in the presence of someone who you can share your positive energy with, and bask in the glow of one another. Love is sharing your positive energy with someone when they're down and vice-versa. Love is not conditional. It is something you give because you wish to give it. I love you Mr.T and I thank you for loving me. I feel like that beautiful feeling you gave me will never go away. Ever.

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